time travel or something
by noah boehm
From: Jarvis Torblast
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: New Company Name
As you know, I have been vehemently against the company name of ‘Time Cops’ for the past 6 Quantum Sectors, and I believe I’ve now come up with a far better name. How about ‘Timeline Consistency Enforcement’? I think it really works
—Jarvis Torblast
From: Martin Korramuno
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Re:New Company Name
Jarvis, no one gives a shit. It is literally the most straightforward title to give the company. No one in the material plane understands what the Timeline Consistency Enforcement is, but everyone understands the concept of Time Cops.
—Martin Korramuno
From: Jackson Hudson
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Missing Time Device
Hey guys,
I couldn’t help but notice there’s a Time Device missing from storage? Reminder that the use of any Time Devices must be approved by Head of Security (me) before being used.
—JH
From: DeMarlo Jacobs
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Re:Re:New Company Name
No, I agree with Jarvis. TCE just has more of a ring to it. It’s better branding
—DeMarlo Jacobs
From: Martin Korramuno
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Re:Re:Re:New Company Name
Branding?! To who?! We exist on the quantum plane! None of humanity knows about our existence! We just swoop down to the material plane and prevent extinction level events or stop rogue time travelers. We’re not here to make a good brand image of ourselves. We’re here to get shit done and patch up time paradoxes. Speaking of which, have we fixed the Bootstrap where Thomas Jefferson is his own grandpa?
—Martin Korramuno
From: Leonardo DiCapriVinci
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Jefferson Bootstrap
Negatory on the Jefferson Bootstrap. We might have to undo the entire 23rd century of American history in order to fix it.
—Leonardo DiCapriVinci
From: Jackson Hudson
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Missing Time Device
The missing time device seems to be Device #∞±ʸ√-1. Kelly, it looks like you were the last one who had checked it out. Did you return it?
—JH
From: Gene Morganfanto
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Re: Jefferson Bootstrap
Urgent! Jefferson Bootstrap is spreading quick! We’re now getting reports of multiple time loops and several time anomalies.
—Gene Morganfanto
From: Kelly Vargenvargen
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: Re: Missing Time Device
Yeah, I had the Time Device when I went on that mission to assure the 27th century extinction of cows. After the mission, I was wrapping up the paperwork when Mark said he’d return it.
—Kelly Vargenvargen
From: Martin Korramuno
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: EMERGENCY! TIME COPS NEEDED NOW
Time Cop groups 13Alpha and -17Gamma, roll out. We’re looking at a level 7 Bootstrap paradox. Shoot any anomalies on sight. If we want any chance of not losing the second millennium, we’ve gotta act quick.
—Martin Korramuno
From: Jefferson Hudson
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 17,
Subject: MARK!!
MARK! WHERE THE FUCK IS TIME DEVICE #∞ʸ√-1. KELLY SAID YOU HAD IT LAST.
—JH
From: Mark
Time Sent: ERROR DISPLAYING TIME
Subject: SORRY!!
I SPILLED SOME COFFEE ON IT! IT ENDED WARPING TO THE 1700S!
-Mark
Mark has been fired from the Time Cops organization
From: Jefferson Hudson
Time Sent:
Subject: WE’RE SCREWED
MARK FUCKED US ALL! HE SENT A TIME DEVICE TO THE MATERIAL PLANE!
—JH
From: Martin Korramundo
Time Sent:
Subject: Drastic Plan
We’ve already lost most of AD to this paradox. But there is a solution, despite it being a drastic one. Most calculations suggest that if we trigger the extinction of our ancient reptilian ancestors, the paradox will be solved, and humanity will instead evolve from apes. The extinction will be performed via a meteorite slamming into the planet and has already put into action.
Godspeed, and may the next timeline be better than last
From: Martin Korramundo
Subject: Warning
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Time Police,
I have been incredibly disappointed with the lack of urgency seen during multiple time paradox crises this past Sector. Many of you do not seem to understand what’s at stake every time a Time Paradox occurs. To accurately convey this information, I’ve forwarded you a series of emails that our research team has determined are from an alternate timeline in which dinosaurs evolved to become the dominant species instead of apes.
This is not the only alternate timeline we’ve discovered. We have evidence of at least 8 other alternate timelines that had to be reset due to the negligence of their Time Police. I’m sending these to you in the hopes that you’ll understand how much your actions matter. You have been warned.
—Martin Korramundo
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 12, 12:2094:6925:0
From: Kelly Vargenvargen
Time Sent: Quantum Sector 12, 12:2094:6928:7
LOL, Mark would be the one who destroys the timeline
—Kelly Vargenvargen